Hello! Been getting super lazy in updating my post recently. Quite a few changes in my life going on currently. Some i have to hold on till later then i can announce. But for now, i am in my new job! So far so good, loving it as of now. Enviroment, colleagues, bosses all seems quite nice. Hopefully this goes on.

At my new place, I have my own room! More privacy and not that stressful too. Finally I have the feeling that I am somebody that is consider as a little important to the Co lol. And best of all, the location of my office is back in town! Back in good old raffles place. Miss the buzz here. Sentosa is sooooo dead.....I think i might be a more city person than a country person afterall. Oh ya and before I started with the Co, I went on a short trip to BKK with hubby and of cos Skyler! It was a great trip. Going to update on that post soon.

The tag on my door hee.

Ma

Ma, I dreamt abt u again this morning. You told me that you still have another 8 more days and you would be leaving us. You are teary when you said that... :~< When I woke up, I went to calculate. In another 8 more days, it's Ma's 99 days of passing n today marks exactly her 3rd mth anniversary... I wasn't counting when I was awake so it can't be I dreamt that dream becos I was thinking too much ... So it's for real. It can't be that coincident right. But Ma, you didn't tell me wat u need. Please come into my dreams more often from now onwards ok. N let me know what you need and wat you want.

Love you lots n missing you badly...


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Ozone layer

After getting some serious scolding from the boss, my colleague came over to me over lunch time and said:

Colleague: Jacelyn, just now that scene very familiar right?

Me: Ya man, sorry i wont be ard to cushion the scolding anymore.

Colleague: ya loh. You are like the ozone layer. she is like the ultra violet rays. Very potent!

Me: Ya ,cos now ozone layer broken le, no longer can screen out the ultra violet rays.

Colleague: Ya sian. Very painful leh.

Me: better be careful ya and dont get skin cancer...

Scolding, scolding and more scolding

After I have tendered my resgination, i wasnt on speaking terms with my boss. In fact, she treated me as transparent, which in a way is good as she no longer asked me to do things and now she has transfer her scoldings to my staffs. Well, now I can only empathised them. Nothing much i can do to help since i am no longer there to cushion the scolding.

Sometimes i wonder, why does she need to vent her anger on us all the time? Isnt she tired of scolding people? Cant she make the world a better one or rather make the office environment a better one to work in? She just scolded one of my colleague loudly (i think the whole level could hear her) and demanded that a particular item to be done before lunch. Hai, i am glad that i am no longer in this shit hole. I should have jump out of it long time ago.

Shiok!!

Recently I did a very "brave" thing! I quit my job wo first looking for another one! Felt sssoooo relief after I did that. No more gg to work with stress n heavy heart. No more lunching in n working late. What I did for work were unappreciated. Everything I do is not good enough. If I m really that bad, how did I survive in Kpmg for the last 7 yrs?!

Work that I was told to do, guidance wasn't given. She doesnt treat me as part of the team n most of the time she ignore me. I wonder if I did step on her toes to warrant these... But anyway, now I felt that the huge stone was lifted off my chest! I can enjoy my day once again n no longer have nightmares.

Bye, lao chu niu, a 40 yrs old single woman who doesn't understand the importance of family.


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1 mth

Ma, it has been 1 mth 1 day since u left us. This 1 mth seems to be passing so slowly. Lots of things happened n memories of u kept coming back . How r u doing up there? Hoped that it's really you who 拖梦 to me that day n tells me u r doing real good.

It seems like a long long time that u r gone but it also just seems like yesterday that we went malacca together , sharing the same packet of fried quay teow, sleeping on the same bed, squeezing in the car. The march school holiday just ended n I remembered sis proposing to bring u oversea for short holidays again.., but u r no longer with us. Seeing ur "wake" photo in the living room makes me feels weird. There r times when I cant bear to look at ur photos as my tears would not stop flowing....try to come into my dream again soon ok. Missing u alot ... Alot.../font>


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My blessed helper

First weekend with my helper. It has been such a long time since my house is so clean!!! Love it! So far she is ok. Quite auto. Hopefully this goes on.. Cross fingers .


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Ma u came?

Ma, I dreamt of u last night. It has been exactly 2 weeks since u left us. Did u come n visit me? :) you told me u are good n no longer in pain. U look better too. U say u didn't see ye ye dwn there n no frens yet as of now. Am glad that you r doing fine. Come n visit me soon again k. Lots of things to tell u.


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Thinkg abt u again

Ma, how r u doing up there? Did u look dwn n look at us? Last nite in the middle of the nite, "tai-le" (tats how Ma call Skyler) woke up n starting pointing to the window n repeatedly say "tai po". I wondered if u did pay us a visit? Subsequently after that when I cradled him, he suddenly lift up his left hand n started waving while looking up at the ceiling. If u really did come n visit us (which I believe so), I m glad that you did. Dun worry abt us. We r doing fine :) enter my dream ya if u can... Missing u...,


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Cancer

Cancer is such a horrible illness. Just got to know that 1 of my colleague's dad passed away due to cancer n currently another colleague's sis is battling with cancer. Her sis is only 37 yrs old with a 10 yrs old n 3 yrs old kid. Just found out that cancer has spread to liver n bones.. Hai...

Actually I m considered as high risk as both parent's side has relatives with cancer. Hmmm more green tea for now?


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头七

Ma, yesterday was ur 头七 but I didn't sense u ard. Did u come back? Or maybe you were a Christian thats y u dun follow such rule? It feels weird to see ur photo (the one that was placed at the wake) in the living room...missing u....


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Only 5th day

Ma, today is only the 5th day that you were gone but it seems like eternity. Every single little things which i do would reminds me of you. I tried to make myself as busy as possible so that i would not think of you. But I failed terribly. To others , I might have seems to got over ur departure as I could still go out as per normal. But I guess only you would know. I tried frying nian gao for the first time in my life n sis says it looked like shit. Lol ... I guess it do looks like shit. But nvm, i will try again n perfect it to the std that you always did for us during cny.




I begin to drag early nights. It's quiet night like this tat i can't help but think of you... what are you doing now? Are you "gg on" ok?

Like wat aunty Yinleng mentioned, you were nv in the limelight but always in the background making sure that we were all right. U nv fail to buy me a packet of seaweed every time u go dwnstairs n buy groceries from the mama shop. I remembered the times when you would piggyback me to school cos its raining n dun wan my shoes to get wet. And the nights where we will walked to IMM just for a quick shop around.

My greatest regret is that I nv managed to pick up ur cooking skill from you. Now I would nv be able eat my fav fu zhou, Mui choi, tian zhou etc. But I assured you that I will try n experiment on it n see if I m able to reproduce what you did.

Ma, helped me... To get over this period...
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Skyler

Had been so caught up by my granny's health in the past mth tat I neglected Skyler quite a bit. Haven been spending much time with him as I was always either at work or at the hospital. Today my little boy turns 19 mth. I realized tat he is able to say more words now n he will call me to get my attention. His teeth development has also catch up n now most of the molars are out. Still very notti n cheeky n of cos sticky to me too. Ok I m not complaining. I rather that he is sticky to me than to my helper. Brought him to the Science Center today n later gg to the Flyers.

Happy 19th mth baby. Mommy loves you.







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How r u ma?

Ma, how's ur first night at ur new home? Today is the day which we said tat we wanna bring you to the flyers. We are still going there later but wo you physically. Spiritually pls follow us k. In honor of u...


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Garden of Rememberance

Garden of Remembrance, Peace level, blk 6, unit 131. Ma, I hoped you liked your new place.


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Abt Ma

I realised tat I nv did mention abt Ma's illness in my blog before. Ma was diagnosed with stage 3 stomach cancer in Jul last yr. Unless she goes for operation , else by doing chemotherapy would not cure it. As Ma refuse to go for operation n we were afraid tat due to her advance age, she won't be able to take it, we proceed with a series of chemotherapy. After 3 cycles n no improvement, we decided to give radiography a go. Tat was in dec 2011. I was quite hopeful tat radiography should do the trick. Though it won't cure mama but it would at least make the tumour smaller. After her 16 days of radiography, we went on a short malacca trip which she enjoyed alot :)

Her cancer take a turn for the worst just before CNY. She was hospitalised on 20 jan n stayed in the hospital for 3 weeks. We brought her out during the weekends n weekday night we will take turns to visit her n push her to the tv room to watch tv. We were lucky that Ma didn't feel any pain from cancer all along. The only discomfort tat she had was swelling of her legs n arms due to water retention.

She was discharged in early feb n dr said that things ain't looking good n he predicted less than 3 mths left. Devastated but we still need to prepare ourselves. I went ahead n employed a helper to look after Ma. Ma couldn't eat n whenever she eats, she will vomit all out. Slightly more than a week after she was discharged, we got to admit her again n this time round, she didn't make it thru...was admitted on fri n she passed away on tue morning...

Ma was a strong fighter. She didn't complain much other than the exceptional complains on legs bring stiff.

Ma we loves u lots n missing you.

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We said our farewell

Last day of the wake was yesterday. Later on we r gg fetch her to your new home @ Garden of Remembrance. The wake even thought was a very short affair of 3 days but it's very peaceful, calming n serene. Unlike a Chinese wake where its very loud and lots of chanting to prepare the deceased for the afterlife, a christian funeral is instead a celebration of the deceased's life. To Christian, the belief of death is merely a reunion with god. It's the ending of suffering n returning to god's side for good n comfort. A Chinese custom on the other hand believes tat after a person dies, he or she will go to hell n receive punishment for the sins tat was committed when alive n priest has to do prayers n chanting to make it better. During the service, my aunt n uncle gave a short speech of my granny's life account. Nv knew tat my granny was so sporting n cheeky when young :) got to know her more thru the speech.




A very simple, pure n serene setting




During dinner on the 2nd night, I scooped a bowl of red bean soup for granny n put it in front of her. I just put it there n when I wanted to walk away, my big granny reprimand me for not "asking" my granny to eat. Lol then I needa say "Ma, sei hong dao sa." It means asking granny to drink the red bean soup in Cantonese. Then in the middle of the night, I saw this








A moth resting/eating the red bean soup... Could it be?? Hope so...

Cremation was at mandai. Atmosphere was calm n serene too. Unlike when at Bright Hill temple where it's noisy, rush n crowded, mandai is peaceful and quiet. At first I would expect that when the coffin was pushed for burning, I would cry like hell. But I guess it's how the whole ceremony was carried out. Even thought I was devastated but it's not as hurting n sad as I thought it would be. Maybe it's the belief. The burning is merely an empty shell which serve no purpose anymore. Granny's soul has been set free n her spirit will forever be with us in our heart.

My greatest comfort is that I m with her till the very end, stroking her shoulder, accompanying her and assuring her to let go. She was not alone when she left us. She was in the company of her son b grand-daughters.
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Missing you

Ma, there are so many things I want to tell you but I dunno where n how to start. I still feel numb from the fact that you are gone from my life... Forever... Alot of ppl says tat grief would really kicks in on the last day of the funeral n thereafter. I m so dragging for that day to come.

From the day I remembered, I m sleeping with you in the same room. We shared the same room for 29 years before I got married n moved out. You are the one who took care of me since young as mom n dad needs to work. From young, I always has a phobia that you will die n leave me. Phobia to the extend that sometimes in the middle of the night I would suddenly woke up n check on you just so to make sure that you are breathing n alive. Sounded so silly right.. But on this day, 21.02.2012 , you have left us forever. Physically yes, but never mentally. I prayed for god to take you, to release you from all the pain and partly I m glad that it is quite fast. From the time u really felt the pain n till the end, it's almost about 2 weeks. I m glad that I can be with you when u breathe ur last n I hoped that my presence did comfort you n u r not alone when you passed on.

Ma, u r always a strong n independent woman. Even after you found out that you are sick, you did not resent god. You nv asked why you are the one n not others . You accept the fact n continue to live life as per normal , thinking that the demon isn't there. You continue to cook all the delicious food for us, continue to go shopping, visit friends n make the most out of your life while you can. You are my role model n I hoped that I can be as strong as you are.

Do remember to look down from where you are once in a while n pray for us.

Love you,
Your grand-daughter, Wai Ee


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Malacca trip

Went on a short Malacca trip from 29Dec - 1Jan, with my parents, granny, Skyler (Lawrence didnt manage to go cos he needs to work on 31 Dec) and sis + family. Its a very rest and relax trip with shopping/visiting places of interest in the morning, back to hotel to nap/swim in the afternoon and back out in town to have dinner and walk around. Granny commented that she enjoys it alot and hope to go back again! :D

We booked the Equatorial Hotel, club room for the 4 days stay. The room was a bit disappointing thou it was huge. Have expected something better. But oh well, the location on the other hand is real good! So that should compensate the room's condition.

Dad and bil drove us to Malacca. I am taking dad's car with my beloved mama :D

Decorated trishaw to attract tourist to sit

Skyler exploring the room and trying to on the TV

Cheeky!

Swimming time!

As we booked the clubroom, we get to have free food every evening. The menu changes everyday. Very nicely done strawberries.

Mini hamburgers

Ya, Skyler was feverish on the first day -_-"

4 generations

At one of the attraction

Yes! Duck tour! And I didnt even try the one in Singapore before!

Love*Love

Skyler loves his bubbles session and....

Swimming time again!

As it was 31 Dec'11, we did the countdown in the hotel. It was MISERABLE! They employed the diff races (ie. chinese, indian and malay) to play their traditional music, one after the other and it goes on and on and on..ie chinese play first then followed by malay then indian and repeat... the one interest thing is that the ppl here get to light their own fireworks! The hotel ppl were shooting fireworks right outside the hotel lobby. I was with sis and the lobby waiting for the balloons..wahahha to get for the kids. Skyler was with granny and dad in the hotel room. But he was awaken by the loud bangs of the fireworks, thus he did wake up and enjoy the fireworks. :)

Falling balloons from the ceiling and midnight!

Happy 2012 everyone!

Feels great

Merry Christmas everyone!!! After > 2 yrs, I m finally sleeping back on my own bed back at my mom's place!! Feels so great to be back! Nothing beats the feeling of being home, doted on n well taken care of.


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